Boom.

I feel like I just got a wake up call. And by just I do mean in the last few days.  Not even a rude awakening.  And by boom I do mean in the best way possible.  

I feel SOOOO good.  Really quite incredible how good one can feel without anything remarkable happening.  I'm not sure I can explain it but I will try.  Maybe this is what true contentment feels like.  Living fully in the moment of every day.

For instance, it is 4am PST right now & I am completely wide awake.  Alive.  Fully.  With that passion & zest for life that I can truly say I've felt from time to time.  Even through all the crap & sadness that likes to crop up & derail me, I am just....satisfied.

Satisfied that I am brimming & on my tippy toes because I am so very close to reaching my fullest potential....and maybe that sounds weird to some of you because I'm not doing anything in particular.  I wait tables 5 days a week & sometimes smile when I don't feel like smiling, but lately, my smiles have been genuine.  

For those of you who might have stumbled on my blog through FB & know how I blew up FB newsfeed in a crazed political fashion, I would apologize, but I'm not sorry.  If I learned & understood anything from the two times I campaigned in college, it's that the last leg leading up to the vote are what really REALLY count.  Human beings can rarely sustain their attention on things not directly in front of them.  So, with a month to go, expect more where that's come from.  #Obama-nation:D #ObamaforAmerica #Vote!

Vote damnit vote.  And if you are not privy to my FB newsfeed, then I hope you are registered and ready to vote.  Obama of course.  The other guy is out of touch with reality.  But maybe you should just friend request me to save me the trouble of doubling my efforts to get more votes for President Barack Obama.  

I'm afraid to see what will become of our country if the other guy wins.  I know one thing will be for sure: I certainly won't be as happy of a camper as I am now.  But there is hope yet.  :) Get out there, get educated America, we've got work to do & it's time I stopped being so lazy! Time to git up & giiiiit learnin'!  

My lack of posts in the past year are a direct result of my laziness.  Okay maybe I shouldn't be so harsh but man oh man has time-been-a-wastin'!  Need to exercise the most important muscle of them all-my brain! 

"Is there no way out of the mind?"

The title of my post is a quote from Sylvia Plath (as credited on thinkexist.com)

I've often wondered whether there is a way out. And tonight I find myself wondering again.  Not like suicide though.  Just wish I could shut out some of the things that like to crop up.  But I don't think there is a way out.  At least not an easy one.  So my solution has always been to face whatever it is that is on my mind. Let it run its course & there, it's done.  Eventually a new thought will take its place & then I'm free.  Free for a moment at least.

Hence the blogging I guess.  Perhaps my absence for the last couple months is a good sign then? An indication that my mind's been fairly blank...hmm that might actually be an accurate assessment.  But no longer.  It's good to be thinking again. About my past a little & definitely about my future.  Yet, still, being present of course.

That was sarcasm by the way.

Living in the present seems to be a challenge we all face.

Funny thing though, when I started this post, it was just to do another mind dump.  Just ended things with a guy who I've been dating for the last few months.  Just a casual thing, right.  Right? I don't know.  So of course, naturally, I'm feeling a little low.  A little unsure...and hence back to blogging.  Because of a boy. Yep. Another boy problem. Blah blah blah....

(Another 'funny' thing I'd like to note: My pandora "Ingrid Michaelson Radio" plays first thing, Ingrid Michaelson's "Keep Breathing" & now it's currently playing Griffin House's "The Guy That Says Goodbye To You Is Out of His Mind.")

Now with "What A Wonderful World"-Louis Armstrong, I feel a lot better. :) Gotta love Pandora picking the right songs just when I need 'em!

Anyway, this post no longer is about a boy & instead I realized it's great I stumbled across Sylvia's quote because it reminded me I still need to blog about my Vipassana meditation experience.

Not an easy task to sum up a 10-day retreat which really ended up being 12 days away from home, away from normal society, away from cell phones, computers & all things communication.  In fact, I spent 9 of it in (almost) complete & total silence.  Took a vow of 'Noble Silence' which was a silence of body, speech & mind. And of course to stay true to my blog, I will give you my true feelings about it all.

I did not follow it. (<--- that was another feeble attempt at a joke; you try silencing your mind!)

But really, it was hard. One of the hardest things I've done in my life.

And... I've just hit a wall...Will finish later.

Update. Post Delta. Post....postal... ;)

Well, I think it's sufficient to say it's been a hellova last few months!

The good news: life is good. Really good.
The bad news: I couldn't think of anything at first but then...My uncle's sweet sweet dog, Bo, died on mother's day. I have to put this picture up because that's how much I miss him & want the world to know how sweet he was.  I hope he's running & swimming to his heart's content in doggy heaven. RIP Bobo, or Bojangles as I liked to call him.    

Sometimes we love & we can't explain why.  But I love Bo.  And he was SO lovable.  He was SUCH a special dog & there really will never be another like him.  Here's to the sweetest dog I've ever known-



I'm feeling a little melancholy tonight...bittersweet is definitely a good word to describe how I'm feeling I guess.  It's another Griffin House kind of night.  I've been reminiscing about old times-all the good & some of the bad, but mostly it's been good.  I just went through four years of yearbooks from high school after receiving a message from my favorite high school mentor, friend & teacher.  I've cried a few times tonight but mostly had a lot of laughs reading what my friends wrote to me.  And once again, I have to sit back & reflect on how much I have to be thankful for.  I loved my childhood.  I loved growing up in Forks & I loved my last year in high school.  God, I was so awkward my first 3 years.  Even my last year as a senior.  Having always been the youngest girl, I think I always felt awkward because I wasn't as confident as my sisters.  I looked up to them but could never be like them.  I was always trying to be like them but without much success and I think finally, as in really recently, I've come to fully accept me for who I am.  Right now, in this moment, I'm actually very proud of me.  And in some ways it's heartbreaking to think that only last week or maybe it was last month, I was a girl who didn't think very highly of herself nor did I have a moment as sound as this one, to say I am proud of me.

I've overcome a lot.  But not just by myself.  A lot of my gratitude I owe to the example my family has set for me & to the people who believed & saw something in me I never did.  I never did fit in & doubt I ever will but I'm finally, actually AND compleeeeetely, okay with that. :)

I feel like I'm finally accepting the role God has blessed me with.  I feel whole. I feel healthy & I'm thankful I have my sanity.  That despite all of the ups & downs, I can still laugh.  I can still cry too.  A relief really.  Someone told me once that they thought the worst feeling in the world was to feel alone.  At the time, I agreed with them.  But right now, I think the worst feeling in the world is to just not care anymore.  I've felt that a time or two & at this very moment, I am SO glad I feel SO much more than that.  I care more than words can describe.  I want to recognize every little thing about every single person on this planet.  Every special, unique trait they bring to the table.  I think it's beautiful.  I think emotion is one of the most beautiful things about life.

For awhile after leaving Delta, I was so unhappy. So depressed.  Unsure of where I was going in life or what I should be doing.  For awhile there, I really thought I was losing it.  That I would slip right off the edge...disappear like so many have before me.  Lose a grip on what really mattered to me.  Lose my fight for living....

Fortunately, this post isn't about that.  :)
This post, this update, is to declare my health, my happy & my hope.  I really wish the same for anyone who might be reading.  Life is as good as you care to make it.  I care enough to make it a different, more positive world for my unborn children & every day when I look around at the people who care enough to do the same, I feel renewed again.  I realize that I am more resilient than I ever gave myself credit for.  I will allow my light to shine in hopes that it will inspire others to allow theirs to shine too.  

And now I think I will just leave you with this:

Life's too short to weigh yourself down.  Look up.  Laugh a little. Take a breath & let it wash over you.  With a light & happy heart, I want to thank God for this beautiful creation we call life.  

Just another day

 

Just another day/another casualty

You, who claim to be almighty. The Giver & the Taker of life. The ultimate Creator.

Who are you??? To declare that I must live? Who are you to decide my death?

When I am gone. Let You explain to them why I am no longer here. Let You explain to them why I am not at work. Why I could not bear to wake up & stand another day.

They, they tell me I am strong, but I need to be stronger. But no one knows why.

They, they tell me to dream, to succeed. But no one knows why.

They, they do not know all of the shit of this life and of the next. On and on and on. Always suffering.

They, they do not know my anger. My pain.  My father. An abuser. A molester. A sorry, drunken excuse for a father.

And they, they say You, you have given us all free will. A choice. And that is why there is suffering.

But I, I suffer no more. For I am gone.

I, I choose to be at death's doorstep.

……

Another day…another casualty…life goes on.

Winning.

Ha I thought this would be an appropriate title to follow up my last blog. :)

This has been a long overdue update but....: winning! Haha

Despite some of the let downs in recent months (or I guess the last year really) this last month or so has been filled with a ton of positives. Mostly, turns out that overly positive (to the point of obnoxious ^_*) boyfriend, has been really good for me & really good TO me. Which, I've come to find out, is really exactly what I needed.

On another note, I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately, especially since I just came back from a trip to Forks this last weekend & a bunch of the friends I graduated with are now getting married. Seeing their dads & hearing about their relationships made me miss the fact that mine's not around any longer. But, as much as I hate to say it, I think it's been for the better. Sometimes though, I think if my dad were still alive, him & I would be getting along really well. He'd probably be riding motorcycles with me & help me get the house fixed up for my mom. I guess I just realized I'm actually a lot like him, both good and bad--I can have a bad temper & get pretty irritable at times & I also detest clutter & people who don't help out (aka lazy people) BUT I am generous with my time & resources to those in need. I also enjoy adventures & trying new things & love meeting new people. In general, just having a good time & trying not to sweat the small stuff.  My dad was like that.

I won't go into all of the negatives about my dad though. I'm trying to learn to "taste my words before I spit them out" & "think before you speak: T is it True? Is it Helpful? Is it Inspiring? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind?"

Unfortunately there are all kinds of people in the world & many of us are dealing with all sorts of demons both personal & otherwise-sometimes it gets so jumbled up I'm not sure what I believe anymore...but, "Don't be so open-minded, your brains fall out" & "If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything." I really believe that.

Life is good. I love getting to know my boyfriend better & everyday I feel like little by little he's helping me heal up some old wounds & giving me exactly what I need in life right now.

I'm in a great place & I just wanted to share that with the WWW.

So I shall leave you all with this:

Namaste.

"I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells. I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light, and of peace. When you are in that place in you and I am in that place in me, we are one."

losing.

here are my problems:

#1: im losing my passion for life.
not feeling it. can't seem to find it.

#2: unable to come up with a viable solution.

#3: everyone else has their own problems & me getting hung up on these thoughts is doing NO ONE any good. So get over it.

My list of problems doesn't even entirely make sense...

UGH.

Solution:

Sleep.

Work out?

Win the lottery?

Climb a mountain, breath some fresh air. Get out of this society that makes me feel inadequate.

Get a new brain.

Comparison IS indeed the thief to joy. I dislike me still.

if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all...right?

Wrong.

I feel like crap. For no apparent or particular reason. Just real crummy these last few days. Chalk it up to hormones maybe but I can't help but not think there's something absolutely wrong with me & my brain. But why is that?

Sure. Okay. Depression. Right. Millions of people suffer from it right? And what do most do? Take meds? I don't want to. Therapy? Can't afford it. Nor would I want to because I've tried it & it wasn't for me. Therapy through friends. My usual method. But some days I just feel like it does no one any good.

If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all.

Trying.

I keep thinking my will to live just isn't as strong as everyone else's. I'm not saying I'd like to die exactly, & this isn't some sort of suicide call for help. It's just simply, that I'm frustrated with life. I'm frustrated. Same old same old. Billions of people somehow make it work & here I am wasting time blogging about how unhappy I am with life right now.

Be positive right. ?
Positive outlook + positive attitude = positive outcomes.

But when does it end? I keep climbing up only to be pushed back down again. So the problem must lie with me. I have no motivation right now. People ask me what it is I want to do...I tell them I don't know. Sleep?

Not a realistic option. Maybe I should try meds...but I don't want to. For a lot of reasons I don't even care to explain.

I just hate false positives. And things that don't make sense. And life seems to be full of it lately.
Oh wait, I'm just more aware of it. Life is never perfect right. Hope. They say hope. I'm not even sure I have any of that hope ingredient right now.

I'm just trying to get through tomorrow. And not mess anything up along the way. I'm not always like this so why do I feel like this on a semi-regular basis.??

At least once a month I'm negative Nancy. Nina actually. Negative Nina. I hate her.

UGH. I keep wishing something would just take me out. How messed up is it that I no longer contemplate suicide because peace is what I'm after & I don't honestly believe that suicide is my way out of life? So instead if something were to just take me out, that would be different...not my fault, therefore, not something that could haunt me for all of eternity.... but I just have no motivation right now. I don't want to care. But I feel like I should care or life is just an empty shell.

I'm an empty shell right now. Robotic. But I don't want to be. So don't be right? Simple.

Not. I'd rather sleep all day. Not wake up but it seems I can't even do that anymore.



On a completely different note, while I'm throwing my negativity out into the universe can I just say there's this stupid skank of a biatch c*nt who works for my uncle & sometimes I wonder how anyone can become such an unpleasant 2-faced princess at 50. I don't know how old she really is but her face sure looks 50 & I'm sure those cigarettes aren't helping. I mean give it up already. Whatever happened to aging with grace? She has none. But the boys love her. Yes the boys. She's a ho.

:)

The smiley face is a lie. Talking shit about someone did not make me feel better for the record. Worse, but I'm leaving it up here anyway because the truth needs to be told & there's no way I can expect people to act with integrity & to be honest if I don't practice it myself.

And for another fun exercise: frustration #2,398,409,820,931,932: What the frick am I supposed to do with my life? Check the plank in my own eye before I start pointin fingers at other people's small sticks right?

Well I had an interview. I made it to round 2 of through & messed it up entirely. No explanation or advice. No feedback-that is the company's policy. Well that makes 0 for 2 "big-girl" jobs I've applied for & didn't get feedback on why I didn't make it further in their hiring process or what it is I need to work on.

Unprofessional. Unwise. These are words that pop into my mind as I type all this mumbo jumbo crap running through my brain & then I have to wonder why it all matters....why it's more important to be professional than it is to be honest. Why is that?

You can be honest & still be polite. It's a fine line I'm sure but if people just had more integrity in what they did & held themselves accountable maybe there'd be less finger pointing & more just accepting. I think I'm just not cut out for the professional world. In which case I'm not sure how I should make a living doing something I can be proud of.

Fact of the matter is that I'm not exactly proud of being a bartender. There's nothing wrong with it right. Only I get sick of pouring beers & throwing out empty bottles & baby sitting drunks twice as old as me.

I need a new perspective. I want to run away. Into the wild. To Alaska maybe. I think I'm more suited to live in a cabin with lots of trees & animals & less idiot people to be cautious of. I guess this is it. I just decided I'm fed up with my complaining & maybe should just try going to bed.

Goodnight....(on a side note I just watched that South Park episode where Cartman pretends to have tourettes & I'm feeling like pretending like I have it too just so I can say....FUCKIN BITCH CUNT ASSHOLE!)

Sorry.

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